Re-Facing Ahead.

I'm going to be redoing this space in the coming weeks to accommodate our life as of late.

Raw

i dont really know how to talk about my dad's suicide. most people dont really want me to, it is too hard for them to sit and listen without crawling out of their skin as i talk. i watch it happen as it comes up lightly in conversation and as i go deeper they withdraw. recoil. i can see them trying to stay there, maybe trying to think of something better, something to say to me. but its the same always, they look so lost.

its not like i go into details about how it happened or anything, i think most people are just so far removed from the topic, and its not like its a daily conversation. i get it, talking about suicide is taboo.

coming away from my fathers death, i felt raw, similar to when i had just given birth 4 months prior. open. dreaming. gutted. exposed.

now 3 months later, the daily aknowledgements are gone finally. i dont have to tell everyone i run into what happened. they all know now. i dont have to see the pity in others eyes as they struggle with words of condolence, i never really understood that anyway. why was everyone sorry? they didnt do anything to cause this.

but, as time has gone on i have started to realize what is coming from me and this experience. i am learning a new kind of gentle. i need gentleness right now and i wish i could have a sign around my neck for the lady who yells at me at the grocery store because i'm blocking the isle after having one of those brain malfunctions that tend to happen after losing someone close. where one part of your brain has to remind the other part that he is dead. that you cant call him and ask if he wants to come over for dinner. oh, thats right. i forgot.

i need to be gentle to others, because you never know what news they may have gotten that day. or a week ago or even a year ago. this kind of pain doesnt fade with time. you just learn a new normal, that chronic ache just sitting there. finding new ways around it, to accomodate it. but its not like it changes.
its hard. and i'm not sorry. time doesnt heal all wounds, and i dont think i want it to.

Sara's 6 months, i quit blogging, but i think i'm going to start again

i'll keep this page up for a while, and i'll post some new stuff about the girls, but i think i'm going to start a new blog that i can broach some more heavy topics on. i have had some huge crazy not so awesome stuff happen in the last few months and i need somewhere to vent and get some support.

its been a crazy 6 months.

I'm Still Alive, so is everyone else....

New post coming soon........ just let me drink my coffee.

whew... this is gonna be a big one.

by the way....

i'm a big fat liar and i know it.

sorry i havent been posting. i suck.


oh and wanted to put in here, zoey has some words recently, here is the updated list

momma
daddy/dadda
dougy
cat
gaba (grandma)
i got it
nanana/ bayaya (banana)
baby


she also has a few other funny things going on
if i ask if she is angry she clenches her fist and jaws and growls

she tries to open the fridge when hungry

she groups similar things together into piles, including when she is eating

all she wants to do is play mommy with anything. she changes diapers, puts babies on the potty, feeds them, gives them pretend water from cups, snuggles and bounces them and kisses them.

the only body part she will point out on herself is her bellybutton. she has no interest in any other part of her anatomy, it all stops at bellybutton.

oh, and i upgraded my camera (stole my husbands, he is going to get a new one) to the canon eos 40d
i LOVE it.


Love
danielle, zoey and bean (really really big bean) maybe i'll post belly pictures later. maybe.

face bashing, phones crashing

i feel like my life is total chaos most of the time.
like, i'm just making it up as i go along, why are there no guide books to this shit? i would really love a training manual about now on how to keep my life in order and running smoothly.

i want to start making soap, i want to sew more, i want to parent better, i want to be a better wife, which includes keeping the house cleaner, which eats into my sewing and soaping and parenting time.
how do you do it? you mythical clean house having crafting awesome parent? how?

cuz right now my sweet baby has a huge scrape all the way down her face from planting right into the corner of the fireplace, my invites for the baby shower are half finished, my house is a total wreck and all i feel like i do is complain and moan as soon as my husband walks in the door every night.

oh yeah, and my phone gave up on me too.

at least the weather is nice..... oh wait.

my computer hates me...

I have the WORST luck with technology. Sometimes all I have to do is walk by a computer to get it to crash. My hard drive for my laptop mysteriously gave out last night as i was getting ready to post here and I had to wait until this morning for Craig to look at it.
All he had to do to get it to work was turn it back on. Seriously, I spent almost 2 hours last night trying to get the thing to restart and just kept getting an error message. He comes over, touches the power button and like magic my computer works again. Yeah. I think my computer has something against me.

Yesterday was a nice quiet day recouping from a UTI I had the fortunate luck of getting. I am almost completely done with it now, which is really good because we were afraid of it getting worse and causing a kidney infection or preterm labor. That would be bad, just to clarify.

Zoey and I are going to head out to the book store, then the park. Hopefully there will be a nap in there somewhere. "They" are doing construction on our alley again, so car nap it is.  I want to move SO bad.

House Tornado

How is it that a 14 month old can do so much damage to my living space within the span of 15 minutes? How is it even possible that this little 20lb, 26" baby could have enough strength and motivation to completely and i mean COMPLETELY take everything out of every cupboard and drawer within her tiny reach?
And how is it that less than 15 minutes of work for her turns into 3-4 hours of work for me to get it all back so she can do it again tomorrow?

I guess it makes her happy at least, so, i'll quit wondering and go start cleaning it all up again for tomorrow.

oh yeah, she's climbing on EVERYTHING now too...

fun... real fun.

promised mini post

she looks so chub in this picture! i love it!

Zoey has TEETH! Finally after a long road of thinking she was teething since she was 3 months old, she delivered!
Her two bottom teeth broke through last week after several sleepless nights and a low grade fever. I'm happy we dont have to cut them out with razorblades or anything! (we were getting desperate!)
She also has started asking for bananas whenever she is hungry, even if she doesnt want one. She eats so many of them that i think she just thinks that all food is refered to as bananas and all things fuzzy or loveable are refered to as "dougy".

Teeth!

Due to a very cranky toddler and a husband that has had a very nice amount of time off lately, i have been neglecting this blog.

i will be posting a year in review this week, i am going to work hard to make it happen.

i will also be starting to write even just a tiny post every day on what our family is up to, even if you dont care at all.

lots of love!

danielle, zoey and bean!

losing days

i've been having a hard time keeping up with life lately. i hear thats normal when pregnant while taking care of a 1 year old.

i'm starting to get those panicky nesting urges but its still too far out to do anything i really want to do. like wash all the baby clothes and teeny tiny diapers. i'll just have to wash them all again if i do it now. maybe i'll sort everything and that will help the itch.

please give me easy recipies i can make and freeze before the new baby comes, i'm freaking a little about food ideas.

i am once again going to re do part of the house. i hate our living room right now. it's our office right now and i want it to be more cozy and living room like. we are going to take the desks out and get a hide away desk for me to put in my corner and maybe a collapsable drafting table for craig incase he wants to take a painting home. also, super exciting we have decided on a couch! revolutionary!

so now i need to find a way to get lots and lots of money so i can make all these dreams come true. anyone want to make a donation?

lots of projects i want to start but i just stall out, i have no energy for anything other than survival right now, super dissapointing to me right now. i have two soakers for the new baby that need to be finished that just sit at my desk staring angry at me and all i can do is try to avoid them all day, every day. not to mention the sewing binder and knitting binder that havent been opened in months. months! i hate it!

ugh... someday.

here's some pictures, use your imagination for what happend.

SOOOO TIRED.

have i named a title that yet? because that is how i have felt the last few weeks.

like i can barely keep my eyes open.

sorry about not blogging, i have been trying to cut down my internet time and i have been neglecting a few things on here. i need to prioritize.

i will try to get pictures up from the party over the next few days, it was fun and hilarious and i love my friends and family.

speaking of family, a bunch came over last night, for food and catching up. it was wonderful to have so many of my favorite people in my house, i felt so grown up! even though i had to break out the folding chairs to accommodate everyone!

so my next goal is pictures, one step at a time

lots of love

danielle, zoey and bean

Click to enlarge

everyone is invited to ZOEY'S 1st. BIRTHDAY PARTY!!!

if anyone has any suggestions for easy food and drink, please comment.

if you would like a hard copy of the invite sent to you,

please email me

at

danielle@craigdriscoll.com

lots of love,

danielle zoey and bean

now lets just hope it doesnt rain.

photos

ok,

i finally got this stupid site to upload my photos

after some serious threats.

here are pictures of zoey's toy room, it actually already looks a bit different,

we put a tv up in the corner and she has some more toys in there now

but you get the idea

we have been spending lots of time at the park with dirty faces

look how cute and innocent, aww....

she couldnt possibly ever cause mommy headaches or trouble!

oh wait, i forgot who we were talking about.

oh yeah,

she tried raspberries,

she wanted everyone to know

they suck.

but she still ate the whole container.

Finally, HUMAN AGAIN!

ok, well, i have pictures to post, but blogger wont let me.

poo.

it figures as soon as i actually get my act together, the site wont cooperate.

oh well,

so i will give a little review of what we have been up to the last month and something that i have been neglectful of this blog.

i am now 13 weeks pregnant, feeling MUCH better, MUCH more human and MUCH more productive.

my belly is pretty obvious, i cant believe how BIG i have already gotten, yes there is only one in there, i saw it, there is proof. STOP ASKING.

Zoey has really taken off, she is running now, holding her own on the playground, attempting to climb (unsuccessfully, but really really darn cute) and has started this excited yelling and shreiking thing to get peoples attention, yeah, it works!

she has her own play room now, complete with flat panel LCD tv which used to live in the bedroom, she also has her own dvd racks that have some real dvds and a lot of empty cases so she can pull them down (they are her favorite toy)

still no teeth, yes my little toothless toddler is doing fine without them, she eats everything now. even steak and chicken. so ha.

still going strong on the breastfeeding, my supply has gone back up again and i am hoping that it stays that way, hoping.

i am making zoey's birthday invites this week, hope to have them out by friday, i'm already running a week late, i hope it doesnt end up hurting the party.

i'm going to be having her party a week after her real birthday, the day before halloween just seems to hectic right now, and we are going to go to san jose for a convention that weekend, so it would have been bad anyway.

we debated on whether we should move the shop to a different location this month, somewhere that was easier to maintain and had lower overhead, but decided that this spot is good for now, and if we dont get more artists working in there by the new year we will re-assess.

craig set up his work area in the living room different this last month too, he got a flat desk and shortened his drafting table so now he has a real computer area and all that jazz.

anyway, hopefully i can get the picture issue resolved by tomorrow and i will make a new post with lots of cute photos of zoey.

lots of love

danielle zoey and bean!

updates coming soon

i promise, progress has been made on the house, lots of things checked off the list.

new pictures and baby updates to follow

thanks for all your patience!

lots of love

danielle, zoey and bean!

why cant i take pictures?

i havent taken a picture of anything in almost 2 weeks, we went to a tattoo convention this last weekend in phoenix and you think i could have at least taken a few shots since i brought my camera. no.

i just didnt.

zoey is getting really good at walking, she walks around carrying stuff, i think she is really excited that she can take things with her places now! cant do that while crawling!

not much else, my milk supply seems to be dropping a bit, so i am going to have to start giving her sippys with home made supplements. boo. i am still determined to keep breastfeeding her until 2, and tandem nurse, scary proposition. we'll see if it works out, not putting too much pressure on myself or zoey.

i had an ultrasound done even though i am not so into the technology because we had to get a date on the bean, so i am 9 weeks along today. there were little arms and legs and a good strong heart beat! everything looked normal and healthy, so that is good reasurrance, and now i can relax a bit about my dates and know we will be having a baby for sure sometime in april.

maybe i'll put the grainy ultrasound thing up, but it really doesnt look like much.

oh well

lots of love

danielle, zoey and bean!

zero motivation

sorry for forgetting about you guys, all what, 4 people who read this.

zoey has had some big milestones the past few days, she is now taking bitty baby steps and can walk half way across a room all by herself! she is getting to be such a big girl, super idependent.

she has also learned how to close doors, so now she closes herself into whatever room she is in and wont let us in, she finds this really hysterical, mommy, not so much.

she is eating quite a substantial amount of regular food now, i think my milk supply is dropping a bit so she is making up for lost calories.

she had a whole banana for breakfast, a quarter canteloupe, chicken ravioli, for lunch and crackers and cheese ravioli for dinner.

ravioli are easy, dont judge.

i actually managed to sweep the floor and clean zoey's high chair today, but thats about it. poor house, i have been majorly neglecting it. sorry house, i really do love you.

no pictures, i didnt take any this week, thought about it, didnt do it.

lots of love

danielle, zoey and bean!

feeling like crap

yeah,

so its started! this whole all day nausea and constantly fighting to keep my eyes open.

i remember how much i slept through the first pregnancy and i fantasize about being able to sleep that much again.

its not going to happen though!

sadly, i have had to put zoey's playroom on hold right now because

1) i cant paint it myself now

2) i dont have enough energy even for simple house maintence, so i definitly dont have enough energy to move furniture and sort stuff

3) we are going to a convention in less than 2 weeks so craig cant help either.

i might break down and work on it a bit at a time though, we'll see.

i got a nice nap yesterday, craig was nice enough to play with zoey for a while and let me sleep and then zoey came in and took a nap with me for another 2 hours!

i even got up before her! i felt so much better after that.

so i am somewhere between 5-7 weeks pregnant, not exactly sure but it will get narrowed down a bit more as things progress. its still early, but my family cannot keep secrets, so i put it out first so it wouldnt get passed down the grape vine and feelings wouldnt get hurt.

zoey and i went up to julian with my mom, step-dad and neice in their motorhome this weekend. we went to go see the stars and look through telescopes, but we ended up only getting to look through two and both kids passed out even before that, so mostly it was just camping.

it was really nice up there and the sky was really clear. i forget how many stars i'm missing out on living in the city, makes me sad sometimes.

no other real news, pictures later this week, i'm too tired right now.

lots of love

danielle, zoey and bean!