Re-Facing Ahead.

I'm going to be redoing this space in the coming weeks to accommodate our life as of late.

Raw

i dont really know how to talk about my dad's suicide. most people dont really want me to, it is too hard for them to sit and listen without crawling out of their skin as i talk. i watch it happen as it comes up lightly in conversation and as i go deeper they withdraw. recoil. i can see them trying to stay there, maybe trying to think of something better, something to say to me. but its the same always, they look so lost.

its not like i go into details about how it happened or anything, i think most people are just so far removed from the topic, and its not like its a daily conversation. i get it, talking about suicide is taboo.

coming away from my fathers death, i felt raw, similar to when i had just given birth 4 months prior. open. dreaming. gutted. exposed.

now 3 months later, the daily aknowledgements are gone finally. i dont have to tell everyone i run into what happened. they all know now. i dont have to see the pity in others eyes as they struggle with words of condolence, i never really understood that anyway. why was everyone sorry? they didnt do anything to cause this.

but, as time has gone on i have started to realize what is coming from me and this experience. i am learning a new kind of gentle. i need gentleness right now and i wish i could have a sign around my neck for the lady who yells at me at the grocery store because i'm blocking the isle after having one of those brain malfunctions that tend to happen after losing someone close. where one part of your brain has to remind the other part that he is dead. that you cant call him and ask if he wants to come over for dinner. oh, thats right. i forgot.

i need to be gentle to others, because you never know what news they may have gotten that day. or a week ago or even a year ago. this kind of pain doesnt fade with time. you just learn a new normal, that chronic ache just sitting there. finding new ways around it, to accomodate it. but its not like it changes.
its hard. and i'm not sorry. time doesnt heal all wounds, and i dont think i want it to.

Sara's 6 months, i quit blogging, but i think i'm going to start again

i'll keep this page up for a while, and i'll post some new stuff about the girls, but i think i'm going to start a new blog that i can broach some more heavy topics on. i have had some huge crazy not so awesome stuff happen in the last few months and i need somewhere to vent and get some support.

its been a crazy 6 months.

I'm Still Alive, so is everyone else....

New post coming soon........ just let me drink my coffee.

whew... this is gonna be a big one.

by the way....

i'm a big fat liar and i know it.

sorry i havent been posting. i suck.


oh and wanted to put in here, zoey has some words recently, here is the updated list

momma
daddy/dadda
dougy
cat
gaba (grandma)
i got it
nanana/ bayaya (banana)
baby


she also has a few other funny things going on
if i ask if she is angry she clenches her fist and jaws and growls

she tries to open the fridge when hungry

she groups similar things together into piles, including when she is eating

all she wants to do is play mommy with anything. she changes diapers, puts babies on the potty, feeds them, gives them pretend water from cups, snuggles and bounces them and kisses them.

the only body part she will point out on herself is her bellybutton. she has no interest in any other part of her anatomy, it all stops at bellybutton.

oh, and i upgraded my camera (stole my husbands, he is going to get a new one) to the canon eos 40d
i LOVE it.


Love
danielle, zoey and bean (really really big bean) maybe i'll post belly pictures later. maybe.

face bashing, phones crashing

i feel like my life is total chaos most of the time.
like, i'm just making it up as i go along, why are there no guide books to this shit? i would really love a training manual about now on how to keep my life in order and running smoothly.

i want to start making soap, i want to sew more, i want to parent better, i want to be a better wife, which includes keeping the house cleaner, which eats into my sewing and soaping and parenting time.
how do you do it? you mythical clean house having crafting awesome parent? how?

cuz right now my sweet baby has a huge scrape all the way down her face from planting right into the corner of the fireplace, my invites for the baby shower are half finished, my house is a total wreck and all i feel like i do is complain and moan as soon as my husband walks in the door every night.

oh yeah, and my phone gave up on me too.

at least the weather is nice..... oh wait.

my computer hates me...

I have the WORST luck with technology. Sometimes all I have to do is walk by a computer to get it to crash. My hard drive for my laptop mysteriously gave out last night as i was getting ready to post here and I had to wait until this morning for Craig to look at it.
All he had to do to get it to work was turn it back on. Seriously, I spent almost 2 hours last night trying to get the thing to restart and just kept getting an error message. He comes over, touches the power button and like magic my computer works again. Yeah. I think my computer has something against me.

Yesterday was a nice quiet day recouping from a UTI I had the fortunate luck of getting. I am almost completely done with it now, which is really good because we were afraid of it getting worse and causing a kidney infection or preterm labor. That would be bad, just to clarify.

Zoey and I are going to head out to the book store, then the park. Hopefully there will be a nap in there somewhere. "They" are doing construction on our alley again, so car nap it is.  I want to move SO bad.